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The Zen of Childcare
A Sermon Given
by The Reverend Alida DeCoster
on March 10, 2002
at Cedar Lane Unitarian Universalist Church
Bethesda, Maryland
READING
from "Into the Dark for Gold" by Les Rhodes (Science & Behavior
Books 2000)
Loss
From the runway gate, I had a clear view down the long corridor to
the 747 that would take Tanya, my daughter, to her beloved Craig,
awaiting her arrival in England. She was the last to board, and I knew
she would not look back. We had already talked about that. Still, I
wanted to call out, "Wait, stay a little longer. Must there be an ocean
between us?"
I knew the answer. She was ready to give birth to herself, to create
an identity that would reflect not mine, but her own nature. I told
myself that she had gotten enough of what she needed from me to
take this next step into the world. But in this moment of separating,
I grieved silently. What have I done, I wondered. Have I raised my
children to break my heart and leave me: Is that what life requires?
Soon, all I could see was Tanya's backpack bulging beneath a cascade
of long blond hair that swayed with the assurance of a young woman
resolved. And I knew that life requires precisely this.
SERMON
My baby's favorite word is "Bye bye". He really understands what
bye bye means. He waves bye bye to his babysitters and friends as
they leave, to Perry and me when we go out, to passing cars,
neighbors walking by with their dogs. Sometimes he picks up Perry's
clarinet case and walks toward the door, saying "bye bye". We aren't
sure how he became so focused on saying goodbye. Certainly in his
brief life (he is now 18 months old) he has had some major good
byes. He has left a birth mother, a loving foster family, and a country
and culture in Guatemala. Could this be somehow related?
Bye bye is most certainly part of life, and an ever present feature of
child rearing. They grow and change every day. Each time Louie
outgrows his little clothes and we move to a bigger size, I feel a pang.
From day one, the movement is up and out. We have many years to
go, but I am old enough to know how fast time flies. It is a constant
challenge to appreciate each passing moment. Life requires precisely
this.
The poet, William Blake wrote, "kiss the joy as it flies, and you will
live in eternity's sunrise". This is also a key lesson of Buddhist
thought and practice. Be here now.
It came to me to write about the "Zen" of childcare one day as I was
trying to persuade Louis that he needed a diaper change and he ran
giggling in the opposite direction. I thought, "Why don't I just sit
here and meditate and maybe eventually he will get curious and come
within range". It worked that time. It hasn't worked so well since.
He hates any bodily interference as many children do. I started looking
at my books on Zen as I was thinking about this sermon, and came
across the quote I used in the newsletter blurb from Shunryu Suzuki's
classic Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind. "If you want to control your
sheep or cow, give them a large spacious meadow. So it is with
people" And I suppose with children. Of course I cannot give Louis as big a meadow as he wants, but there is something to this. If he is
really fighting me, I tend to give him space by waiting until he is in a
more receptive mood.
This reminds me of my beloved Mrs. Piggle Wiggle books from
childhood (author, Betty MacDonald), in which she "cures" many
childhood misbehaviors by letting children do exactly what they want
and eventually learning for themselves the down side of their wildest
dreams. (For instance, being exhausted by staying up all night, or
getting sick from too many sweets.) The problem with the Mrs.
Piggle Wiggle approach policy for parents is that we are responsible
for the child's physical survival. The spacious meadow must finally
have a fence. The dress I am wearing has grease spots from Louie's
little hands. I have learned that I must keep my closet door closed.
There are things he cannot do, and places he cannot go because they
are too dangerous. Common sense also requires that children must
learn to get along with others, so limits must be set. It is a true art to
be flexible at the same time as we set and enforce reasonable limits.
A parent's job, so challenging and rewarding, is a kind of vigilant
watching, accompanied by delight.
All the things I am learning about parenting are helping me with life
in general. Today I want to explore with you three basic ideas of
Buddhism that can be very helpful in life and in parenting. They are
mindfulness, non-attachment, and compassion.
Zen Buddhism is a sect of Buddhism that is familiar in the West. It is
more ascetic and strict a discipline than many other forms of
Buddhism. It is Mahayana Buddhism that I am most familiar with
from a class I took at Syracuse University. It is a wider, gentler, and
more compassionate path. When I hear the phrase the "Zen" of
something, it usually seems to mean doing something in a very patient,
non-reactive way. That is what I mean in this sermon title. As for my
elaboration on mindfulness, non-attachment, and compassion I am
drawing on sources from both Zen and Mahayana Buddhism. I recommend the books of Thich Nhat Hanh and Jon Kabat Zinn for
learning more about these concepts as they apply to our everyday
lives.
Here, I'd like to give you a VERY brief overview of the four noble
truths of Buddhism. The first of the great noble truths in Buddhism is
"All life is suffering." We westerners may rebel at this statement.
What do you mean all life is suffering? What about the good stuff?
I think the main idea here is that life is characterized by separation.
It's just one darn "bye bye" after another. We cannot hang onto
anything. The second noble truth is that this suffering that results
from our essential separateness is caused by our thirst, or desire, for
reunion with something outside ourselves. Suffering is caused by
desire for what we cannot really have - guaranties, perfect love,
nothing but good luck. The third noble truth is that we have to give up
these desires for what we can not really have. The fourth noble truth
is that if we follow the Buddha's way to enlightenment, it will not
matter any more because we will come to know the deep joy of the
present moment. And what is this way? It's called the eightfold path.
Today I am just talking about basic aspects of this path: mindfulness,
non-attachment, and compassion.
I'll start with "mindfulness". Mindfulness is an ever deepening
perception of the beauty and power of each moment. What is right
before us and around us is where ultimate truth and enlightenment lie.
Past and future become less important as we grow in wisdom.
Conscious life is a long gradual process of increased awareness; of
letting go of anxieties tied to the past and future; of appreciating what
we have and where we are right now. Meditation practice of some
kind is very helpful for increasing this awareness. In practice over
time, we learn to let our thoughts come and go with more equanimity,
rather than getting hooked by them. As one who spent many years
tied up in obsessive thoughts and anxieties, I must say that I am finally
getting a little better at appreciating the present moment. Here is a
quote from Thich Nhat Hanh about mindfulness that I love:
"I like to walk alone on country paths, rice plants, and wild
grasses on both sides, putting each foot down on the earth in
mindfulness, knowing that I walk on the wondrous earth. In
such moments, existence is a miraculous and mysterious
reality. People usually consider walking on water or in thin air
a miracle. But I think the real miracle is not to walk either on
water or in thin air, but to walk on earth. Every day we are
engaged in a miracle which we don't even recognize : a blue
sky, white clouds, green leaves, the black, curious eyes of a
child, or own two eyes. All is miracle."(from The Miracle of
Mindfulness)
Small children live entirely in the present and so are good teachers of
mindfulness. They notice and observe. They engage with what is
directly in front of them. Past and future do not cloud their little
minds. In this first innocence, they don't realize the purity of their
awareness and how much more complicated life will get. They will
have to learn mindfulness all over again later on.
The core message of the Buddha is "Wake Up!" Do not go through
life in a stupor of busyness and putting off important things. This is
it. We cannot expect to learn this lesson intellectually, all at once. It
takes years of practice. It is a training. One can set up a time for
noticing every day. It doesn't even have to be a regular mediation
time. It's very hard to do that with children. I take my moments for
conscious noticing when I wake up, when I go to sleep, and at
mealtimes. It helps to make a habit of noticing at particular times of
the day, such as on the way to work or at bedtime. The idea is to
make it a habit rather than a random occurrence.
Notice your thoughts come and go, notice your breath come and go,
notice the life around you. Mindfulness means simple awareness.
Awareness that is ever deepening. In Jon Kabat Zinn's says that
mindfulness is waking up to the vitality of every moment that we have.
(from Wherever You Go, There you Are). Awake to the vitality in this
moment.
On to non-attachment. I am eager to explain why non-attachment is
such an important concept. Non-attachment in the Buddhist sense is
often misunderstood in the West as not caring, as being unkind. That
is not the idea at all, though I can see why the misunderstanding
occurs. Our confusion about the word "attachment" comes from the
fact that there is a very good, healthy kind of attachment. Indeed, we
speak of "attachment disorders" when there isn't enough of it.
Healthy bonding in childhood between parent and child is crucial. The
non-attachment I am speaking of here is the need for parents to be
conscious of our own deep needs and desires and to try to keep them
from getting in the way of the free healthy growth of their children.
This kind of non-attachment is getting our own ego out of the way.
Simple as that. Hard as that. It takes years of practice. The trouble
with letting go of the ego, is one has to have one first!
One of the best bumper stickers I have ever seen is on Douglas
Taylor's car. It says "Don't believe everything you think". This is
good advice for healthy non-attachment. In meditation we learn to
observe our thoughts as they come and go. For most of us, thoughts
get very tangled up with feelings and beliefs, yet thoughts change all
the time. If we can learn to observe these tides in ourselves, we will
become more wise about what is permanent and what is transient.
These thoughts and emotions are waves on the ocean, not the ocean
itself.
Non-attachment is good in parenting. Trying to get our unconscious
projections and agendas out of the way in parenting, or in any other
relationship, is important for that relationship's health. None of us,
even when we consciously try, can do this all the time. The stereotype
of the parent with an ego in the way is the stage mother. While she
may think she is pushing a child forward for his or her own good. It
is usually to serve the ego needs of the parent. Competition is
cutthroat between students because it is cutthroat between parents.
What more perfect, horrifying example can we get of this than of the
father who killed another father in rage recently at a sports event where their two sons were competing. This is an extreme case of
attachment to desires.
The non-attachment I am speaking of here is the need for parents to
let their children be who they are: to give them a spacious enough
meadow to be different from us if they are. While it is important to
impart our values, we cannot control the final outcome. Eventually
we have to let our children make their own choices and own their
own lives. We all know of cases where this has been incredible painful
for parents. An acquaintance of mine recently had to ask her son to
move out because of his drug dealing and the danger that put her in.
She has no reason to blame herself for her son's activities. It is a very
painful and hard letting go process and she still loves her son very
much. A more attached response would be to keep allowing him to
stay, to keep trying to make him change, to refuse to accept that
nothing more can be done. It can take a long time to face the fact that
an intervention in the life of a loved one is not going to be effective.
We can only do our best and hope that our children make choices that
are good for them. There are no guaranties.
Let me give you two other real life examples I have heard lately, of
what non-attached parenting may look like.
My friend Jane has an eleven year old girl, Catherine. Catherine is
going on a field trip with her classmates to a Civil War battlefield, and
Jane thinks if they are having parent chaperones, she will volunteer to
go. When she tells Catherine, and Catherine proceeds to beg and plead
with her not to go. This is the first time this has happened and for
Jane it is a small sting of "bye bye". She can laugh and accept it. A
child who is comfortable expressing this feeling knows she does not
have to protect her mother from being hurt. The relationship can be
open and honest.
Here is another example I especially like because it shows how we can
be both attached and non-attached at the same time, which is
probably very common. We may react from our needs first, but we
can then have a deeper, more enlightened reaction to our children.
This is the mother of two teenagers. She is having a lot of trouble
with them. She and her husband are doing their best to stay in touch.
Her daughter is dealing with typical teen age fights and
disappointments in relationships and school, and she is not a fun
person to have around the house. The Mom says, "Now I find myself
reacting at two levels. In my head, I yell, I get mad, I feel hurt. But
at a deeper level, with a little more time, I stop and stand back more.
I can say, this is a girl who is not happy. She is having a hard time.
I cannot control what happens to her. I can just hang in and keep
letting her know that her Dad and I are here for her. It's all we can do
right now."
I like this Mother's use of the two levels of reaction. I like that the
more "attached" reaction is in her head, and the wiser reaction is in
her heart. This goes back to the Buddhist idea that we are plagued by
our thoughts. We need to go down deeper, away from words
sometimes. Not that words don't help. They can and do help
immensely when they are the right words for the moment. But when
we are suffering from the separations of life, when all our anxieties
clamor to the foreground in our relationships with loved ones, then
it is time to breathe. Breathe deeply. Go deeper and take the more
spacious view. Ask ourselves what this person is going through right
now. Ask ourselves if we can remain non-attached while still
maintaining a compassionate heart.
The third aspect of Buddhism I want to talk about is compassion.
Compassion is a bedrock concept of Mahayana Buddhism, though that
too is often not really understood in the West. We may see Buddhists
as people only interested in their own salvation. In fact, as I
understand it, compassion grows from non-attachment. When we can
work through more of our own needs and attachments, we are capable
of far greater compassion. In Buddhist teaching, the more we come
to know our own Buddha nature, the more we feel compassion for all
sentient beings. Enlightenment does not mean sitting on a far away
mountaintop. Rather the enlightened follower of Buddha is in the
marketplace helping others. The more we practice non-attachment,
the more we see how much we all have in common. The more we can
let go of our thirsty desires to cling, the more we can see the big
picture and know we are part of it. In the end we do get what we
want, a sense of oneness with all. We belong in the broadest sense.
Enlightenment means eventually letting the individual "little mind"
become part of what is called "Big Mind" or universal consciousness.
In the end, you see, we can overcome our sense of separateness and
our compassion expands. The Buddhist path leads us to a place where
we can perceive the unity of existence. We can see the universe in a
grain of sand. With this awareness, we also understand that the pain
of others is our own.
One does not have to be a Buddhist to gain this understanding. Some
version of compassion is taught in all the world's religions. Meister
Eckart, a 13th Century Christian, wrote, "You may call God love, you
may call God goodness, but the best name for God is compassion"
(from Meditations With Meister Eckart, Matthew Fox, editor)
Compassionate parents are parents who can put themselves in the
shoes of their children, who can remember what it is like to be five,
ten, fifteen or twenty years old. And parents who can do this in a
clear eyed way, also observing the ways in which the child is different
than they were. One of our parenting books has a vivid description of
a day in the life of a toddler: Exhilaration, frustration, and exhaustion
are typical. No wonder they have tantrums! Compassion recognizes
that life is hard for everyone. The most helpful love is a watchful
loving presence that understands, not the kind that intrudes or tries to
fix problems that must simply be lived through. Compassionate
presence, a standing by, is often what is needed.
I certainly don't want to sound like Perry and I have this all figured
out. Parenting is rough going sometimes, and new challenges arise
every day. A recent trip to the emergency room with Louis gave us a
taste of the terror parents can experience when they fear a child is at
risk. (He turned out to be fine.) I know people who struggle with
difficult problems their children have, and feel so alone in the struggle.
Child rearing is very hard and so is life. No matter how much we
cultivate our spiritual life along the way, life hurts.
We all want some measure of peace, of joy, of fulfillment. We want
these things for our children. Reliable happiness does not come from
material things or even from relationships, which change and
inevitably lead to loss. All we can do is kiss the joy as it flies and
recognize the vitality in every moment we have. From this our
compassion grows, and only compassion will heal the world.
When Louie is not saying bye bye or running away from a diaper
change, or pulling things off shelves, he is dancing and twirling. He
is playing the piano, giggling, shouting or clapping.
Louie claps. He claps for himself. He claps for joy in the whirl of the
passing moment. His is the face of the Buddha. And so is yours.
Amen. Closing words from The Parent's Tao Te Ching, A New
Interpretation, by William Martin.
Your Greatest Legacy
If you want your children to succeed,
Show them how to fail.
If you want your children to be happy,
Show them how to be sad.
If you want them to be healthy,
show them how to be sick.
If you want them to have much,
show them how to enjoy little.
Parents who hide failure and deny loss,
and berate themselves for weakness,
have nothing to teach their children.
But parents who reveal themselves
in all their humanness,
become heroes.
For children look to these parents,
and learn to love themselves.
Office@CedarLane.org
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