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Staying Together: Long Term Marriages
A Sermon Given
by the Reverend Roger Fritts
with the Reverends Leslie Westbrook, Susan Archer and Douglas Taylor
on February 23, 2003
at Cedar Lane Unitarian Universalist Church
Bethesda, Maryland
ROGER FRITTS: Very long marriages are a recent phenomenon. In earlier times
people rarely lived long enough to celebrate their 40th or 50th wedding
anniversary. Today people are interested in finding out what it is like to be
in a relationship with the same person for many years. It is not always easy.
One woman was asked after fifty years of marriage whether she had ever thought
of getting a divorce?
SUSAN ARCHER: "No, never divorce. But I have thought of committing murder.
ROGER: A couple had been married fifty years. One day the wife said to the
husband:
SUSAN: "Why don't you ever tell me you love me?"
DOUGLAS TAYLOR: "I told you 'I love you' when we were married. If anything
changes, I'll let you know."
ROGER: Over the past month, I have conducted my own scientific study of
long-term marriages. I invited members of the congregation who have had a long
term marriage to tell me what has kept them together. I received fourteen
thoughtful letters. For example, one couple sent me separate lists that each
of them had prepared. The wife wrote:
LESLIE WESTBROOK: We will have our 52nd anniversary in March. It seems only
yesterday that we tied the knot in a Methodist church and a few weeks later
began attending All Souls to hear Dr. A. Powell Davies.
ROGER: The husband wrote:
DOUGLAS: Here are some thoughts about how to have a successful marriage:
- LESLIE: 1. Be an optimist - look forward to the day.
- DOUGLAS: 1. When a man and woman marry they should recognize that . . .
each will have interests and attitudes the other does not share.
- LESLIE: 2. Stay in touch - hugs every day!
- DOUGLAS: 2. Never argue in bed!
- LESLIE: 3. Cultivate some mutual activities but leave space for each
other to explore a separate interest. Stay in touch with extended family
-grandparents, cousins, etc. and a few mutual friends.
- DOUGLAS: 3. When there are differences of opinion, discuss them without
shouting. Listen to your mate's position. Present your position in a gentle
fashion. Try to arrive at a consensus. If that cannot be done, unless there
is some extremely serious reason for not doing so, accept your spouse's
point of view.
- LESLIE: 4. Most importantly: Have good sense of humor - enjoy sharing
daily talk.
- DOUGLAS: 4. Maintain and use your sense of humor.
- LESLIE: 5. Be polite at home as well as outside. If he mows the grass,
say thank you and tell him how nice it looks! (He hates yardwork.)
- DOUGLAS: 5. Generally speaking, marital chores should be shared.
Husbands can leam to cook and do the laundry. Wives can wash the car and
shovel the snow.
- LESLIE: 6. Communicate! Respect each other's point of view. If there is
disagreement don't slam the door and stalk out - talk things over.
- DOUGLAS: 6. Marriage is a partnership and each partner has equal status.
Everything we own, we own jointly. We find it worthwhile to have separate
bank accounts, but they are all joint accounts.
- LESLIE: 7. Reach out to your church or community to something larger
than yourselves. Volunteer to help on a regular basis.
- DOUGLAS: 7. As I believe Richard Burton said when answering "How do you
handle a woman?," the answer is "Just love her."
- LESLIE: 8. Try to be an interested and interesting person - read books,
improve your skills, play an instrument or sing.
- DOUGLAS: 8. NEVER argue in bed!
- LESLIE: 9. Enjoy life - learn to cope at each stage whether raising your
family or getting older. Yes, having children made our relationship happier
- and having grand-children is frosting on the cake. We are very grateful.
- DOUGLAS: 9. NEVER argue in bed!
ROGER: Most of the letters I received were from only one partner in long
term relationships. Carl H. Gaum wrote from the perspective of a man about to
celebrate his 48 wedding anniversary with his wife Ruth Ellen. Carl focuses on
the practical aspects of marriage:
Children add to the marriage. One must realize they are a lot of work.
Partners and family members must have trust in each other and share in the
burdens but still have time for privacy. I believe financial planning and
management of fiscal policies is essential even if only one is the primary
chief financial officer. Every one in the household should be made aware of
the income, costs, and financial planning for present and future
expenditures, such as children's education and parents retirement. . . .
Each member must be frugal, shop wisely, look for bargains for items that
will last. We shopped at sale events, the 'good as new ' store for
children's clothing (which is out grown quickly) and wholesale grocery
stores. Families do not need a new car every few years. Yet there are times
when special gifts to your spouse, children or the household are in order.
These can be worked in by proper planning.
SUSAN: Phyllis Reynolds Naylor wrote from the perspective of having been
married to Rex Naylor for 43 years. Phyllis describes how she deals with their
differences.
Rex and I met at a Unitarian Church of Rockville book discussion group in
the summer of 1959, and were married the following May. On most important
issues, we feel the same, but in some ways we are completely dissimilar, and
this, strangely, seems to make for a good working team. Rex says that it's
the whole web of the marriage we've built together that is important, not
the small rumblings of discontent that surface from time to time.
Still, those run-of- the-mill irritations get to me once in a while, and
there's a gimmick I use that always works: when I find myself seething over
something Rex has done, that seems thoughtless or selfish to me, I give
myself the task of remembering something equally awful that I have done.
Invariably I think of something far worse, and my anger disappears.
Every married person knows the areas in which a spouse is most sensitive
or vulnerable, and we don't bring those up when we quarrel. . . .
Over the years Rex and I have developed the habit of saying, in a quiet
moment, when the other person is behaving most abominably,' Do you need a
hug?' It not only works, but often leads to something even better later on.
DOUGLAS: A member who was married for 46 years, also wrote about the
importance of touching in sustaining a relationship:
... one thought has come to mind several times since I read your request
for ideas about the glue in longer lasting relationships; namely, the
importance of touching. To phrase it as a piece of "advice", it might be
"become fluent in the language of touch.
The language of touch speaks more directly to the needs and desires, to
the pains and joys, of the other than any words. At the same time [touch]
expresses more directly and more subtly one's compassion, one's sympathy,
one's encouragement, one's love for the other.
ROGER: A man who has been in the same relationship for 57 years wrote:
We are each other's best friends, companions and sweethearts! There would
not be a moment's hesitation in starting our journey together again.
Several factors have contributed to its success. First, we started out as
childhood sweethearts and grew up together developing a deep and permanent
affection and love at an early point in our lives.
Second, we both share the desire to support the other and are acutely
aware of the other's feelings.
Another factor is respect. We truly respect each other. Each of us has
special talents that the other recognizes and applauds. Also, we do not hurt
each other or others if we can avoid it. . . .When angry we talk it out and
do not let it fester. My wife is my best friend and companion. . . . I am
very lucky!
LESLIE: A woman in the congregation wrote:
[We have been] married 43 years. What has kept us together? A major
factor, which has gotten us through many ups and downs, has been the idea of
keeping our promise to care for each other. We both seem to have a deep
feeling that our wedding vows, made many years ago, are a binding
commitment. Societal changes through the years have changed us, such as Viet
Nam and the women's liberation movement. We have had to adjust constantly to
changes in each other, but the underlying commitment always remains. There
is a feeling of great security in this.
DOUGLAS: A man wrote:
My wife and I married in 1954 and are still pleasantly together despite
many problems [including the] (death of our son. . . .) The secret is: We
share a love of nature and a sense of humor. With those two all things are
possible. Without them, life, even single, would be intolerable.
SUSAN: A woman in the congregation wrote a short list of what contributed
to her happy marriage of 56 years:
- True Friendship,
- Sense of Humor,
- Common Interests.
- Loyal support of each other,
- With lots of love thrown in.
ROGER: Bill Wallenmeyer sent a three page letter. Here are just a few of
his thoughts.
Diane and I will celebrate our 51st wedding anniversary this coming June
1, and in July ,the 52nd anniversary of our first meeting, which was on the
11th of July, 1951. We have been fully committed to each other since shortly
after that first meeting.
To increase the probabilities for a successful long-term marriage, I
believe it is very important, at the earliest stages of a relationship,
individual is usually trying to put their best foot forward.before being
overwhelmed by passion and love, to consider and evaluate carefully whether
this is the one person you would want to live with the rest of your life. .
. . This assessment and determination is, of course, an important factor of
courtship and often is not easy.
Important elements that have worked to draw and keep us together include:
- Self respect and respect for each other.
- Physical, intellectual and emotional attraction for each other.
- In disagreements, never attack nor disparage the other as a person,
only the idea or action.
- The ability to forgive yourself, as well as your mate.
- A sense of humor and the ability to laugh at yourself, and with your
mate.
- To be in love and to fully commit to each other without reservation.
LESLIE: Keith and Marie Dupree both wrote about their marriage.
I feel that as my marriage to Keith goes into its 38th year, our
communication and expression of love has not declined, but has increased.
Keith and I have a very strong and loving marriage. He is my best friend, my
support, my counselor, my lover and my grounding partner. Keith is a person
with lots of patience and is very methodical. In the early years of our
relationship, these were traits that drove me nuts. Now I find them
comforting. I am sure that I too had traits that drove (or still drive) him
nuts. We both had to learn to know each other and be flexible to each others
needs without giving up our sense of self. We now have a strong foundation,
but that took a lot of time and counseling.
In the 70's we were separated and, because we still cared for each other,
we went for divorce counseling. This turned to marriage counseling and saved
our relationship and marriage. Some of the issues that caused our separation
were the lack of communication, my going to school nights, both of us
working full time and raising a family. It was these stresses that made it
hard to cope with one another. During our marriage counseling we learned a
lot about one another. I began to understand that Keith "danced to a
different drum" and he became comfortable with my spontaneity and love of
life.
As we were very committed members of our Unitarian Universalist Society,
we found that our Unitarian Universalist friends were supportive and helped
us to deal with our separation (and reconciliation) without taking oth
sides. One funny incident is the following: We had a close friendship with a
European couple who were members of our church. Francoise is French and
Daniel is Swiss German. We invited them over for dinner one night to tell
them that we were separating. They were incredulous and told us that we
should not be separating. They then started fighting with each other in
French about our relationship and who was right or wrong. Keith and I looked
at each other; neither of us understands much French and we both wondered if
the wrong couple was getting separated!
I truly believe that our joint dedication to our UU fellowship, attending
Star Island each year and our common religious and ethical beliefs is what
has contributed to giving us a strong and lasting relationship.
DOUGLAS: In response Keith wrote:
I am gratified and flattered by Marie's remarks. But as I read them I am
struck by how simple it seems now, but at the time . . . it was almost
unimaginable that we could be as comfortable and secure with each other as
we seem to be today.
There is the shared history. Marie and I have been through things
together that no one else could feel or understand.
But there are other factors that has enabled us to stay together through
some times that were not so happy. My perception of these factors I
characterize as Truth, Forgiveness, and Humility.
First, Truth. There have been, and probably still are for us, times when
the "whole truth and nothing but the truth" is unnecessary, even
inappropriate. But at the bottom line, I feel that I can ask Marie a
question and, if I make it clear to her that the answer is important to me,
I will get a truthful answer.
Anyone who demands the truth must be prepared to forgive. I think that
anyone in a committed relationship will sooner or later discover that their
partner is not quite the person they thought. It is so easy to feel let
down.
Finally, humility. I had a difficult time accepting that I--the MAN--was
not necessarily the most important member of the family.
ROGER: Marriage is not for everyone. I have fond memories of the years I
spent as a single adult when I did not need to consult or negotiate with
anyone about how I was spending the money, or what pictures I hung on the
walls or who would do the dishes. The life style of a single person can be
rich and meaningful and fulfilling. Some married people are miserable. As one
young man said, "My wife divorced me because of illness. She got sick of me!"
Still many people do find happiness in joining together in a committed
relationship. And perhaps the reasons go beyond language. I remember 20 years
ago visiting the home of a member of my congregation in New Bedford,
Massachusetts. Bryant Prescott was a gay man who lived in a committed
relationship with his partner, John. John and Bryant were deeply in love, and
devoted to each other for many years. I asked John to explain the success of
the long relationship. He replied:
I don't know. Neither of us is without our faults. We're very different
from each other. The key to our relationship is something that I can't put
into words. It's a wonderful mystery.
I remembered the old definition of marriage as "an outward and visible sign
of an inward spiritual grace."
Amen
Office@CedarLane.org
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