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Growing Pains May 15, 2005 The Reverend Susan Davison Archer Cedar Lane Unitarian Universalist Church Bethesda, Maryland Over a year ago at the auction for 2004, not 2005, but 2004, I offered a sermon topic to be picked by the winning bidder. Terry and Carol Ireland were the bidders and joined by some other folks they helped to frame today’s subject. We talked about kids, especially teenagers. We talked about today’s culture, with glorified good times, with beer and drugs, and with sex, video games, and music that reflect violence; we talked about a very over-busy society and sometimes diminished family time; and we talked about how easily kids can become “at risk,” courting their own disaster. And we talked about how much teenagers have to teach us and how fortunate we are to have them in our lives. So, let me begin with this: From the Gazzette Regional News of last week in an article on a lecture at Wootton high school for parents: It quotes one father: “As parents, we want to know, what’s up with our kids? Why do they do the things they do . . . and give us heart attacks?” An apt question, I would wager, for many parents of teenagers. And as we frame this morning’s subject, there is another perspective that we need also to keep in mind. It is suggested by these comments from Jane MacFarlane, a teacher of our 9th graders who traveled with them on their trip to Boston (you may have read this in the Newsletter): “Our Wonderful Young People”: “Dick and I were honored to be able to accompany 14 of our UU teens on their trip to Boston. We went on a plane, transferred to three vans, with two “adults” each, spent the weekend on a chapel floor in sleeping bags, saw four churches, the Mayflower II, Plymouth, Cambridge, didn’t get lost, got a little wet, got blown around in the air a bit on the way back and it was glorious! You have the best kids. They are smart and funny and talented and polite. Dick and I want to thank the parents for lending them to us for the weekend. And to the rest of the congregation, I would like to suggest that you attend the Saturday Coming of Age Ceremony next year that takes place after the Boston trip and during which the kids tell us in their own words what they believe. Experience it. It will make you proud to be a UU. If you are older . . . like Dick and Jane, it will remind you how glad you are that your kids (now in their 30’s and attending their own UU churches) came to Sunday School even if it seemed to be for the donuts. For those of you who are the parents of the very young, you will see why you get them up every Sunday even when it is hard. For me, it was just a great big treat. Glorious! Thank you.” Could these be the same kids that “give us heart attacks?” Adolescence has always had the potential to be turbulent, but it does seem as though it is more complicated these days. Our culture itself is more complicated and sometimes we are without a clear roadmap. Parents have so much advice available, much of it contradictory, that it is hard to know what to do; there are books and articles galore; one can go to difficultchild.com, defiant-teen.com, help your teens.com, struggling teens.com and on and on. I’d like to share some statistics about today’s teens. Before I do I would also acknowledge that statistics can be interpreted in various ways, so I don’t want to draw conclusions that are too absolute. But, the results are interesting. . In one study 600 teens between ages 13-18 were asked to identify how they believed adults would describe them: 84% lazy 74% rude 70% sloppy Other common adjectives included: dishonest and destructive. These same teens described themselves: 94% responsible 86% self-reliant 82% optimistic about my future 79% very intelligent Another survey reported that ‘Not having enough time together’ with their parents is the top concern among teenagers. Conversely, parents are far more concerned by outside threats such as drugs and alcohol than they are about family time. Quality time comes in as the fourth most important priority. In relation to the world of media: The majority of all American children have at least 1 kind of medium in bedrooms (radios, tape/cd players, TVs, VCRs, videogame players); 65% if they are 8 or older have TV, 21% have computers. (second family, 17) Parents report that they monitor TV and internet time much more than the youth report that they are monitored. In one study nearly three quarters of parents assert that they frequently monitor their child’s use of the web. Forty-five percent of teens say they surf the web all the time or often without a watchful parental eye. Studies report that the influence of friends is significant. Teens are almost two and a half times more likely than their parents to state that friends are a critical influence on their values and over half of all teens turn to friends as a source of advice on life issues. The impact peers have on forming values increases steadily as teens get older. Just 15% of 12 year olds report that friends are the biggest influence on their values. Sixty-seven percent of fifteen year olds report that. Sixty-two percent of parents ‘strongly agree’ that they share the same basic values as their teens. However, only 46% of teens suggest that this is true. The medical issues: —The journal, “Pediatrics,” report that almost 1 in 5 children and adolescents suffers behavioral or emotional illness; that is three times that of twenty years ago (What It Takes, 1) —The onset of bipolar disorder has fallen from the early thirties to late teens (What it Takes, 313) —Eating disorders continue to be widespread. —Abuse of drugs and alcohol continue. On the economic front: —There is plenty of money; teens spend more than $24 billion on entertainment, $23 billion for food and snacks; one third of teens have their own credit card. (What It Takes, 313) It should also be noted that recent studies indicate that: (What It Takes) Pregnancy rates are down, drunk driving deaths are down: college enrollment is up. So, why is it that teenagers are considered to be at risk? There are enough theories out there to support a whole chain of bookstores, but these are a few that helped me to think once again about American adolescents. And even as I share them, my inner filter keeps me warned that no theory or experience can be applied generally to every teen. First, some reflections on how culture impacts our teens, what they do and think and how they act. I found some interesting observations by Ron Taffel in The Second Family: How Adolescent Power Is Challenging the American Family. Taffel is a practicing psychotherapist and author of several popular books and articles on parenting. In this book he draws on his psychotherapeutic experiences with adolescents and parents as well as interviews with 250 adolescents. His main premise is that the peer group has changed the way it functions for teens. It is no longer a place in which to rebel against parents, thereby making separation from them possible as they prepare to enter the adult world. The peer group has become instead, he contends, a “place” in which, one finds comfort, acceptance, and dependability, qualities that seem sometimes unavailable in the nuclear family.” The idea of comfort is key in his thinking. He suggests it is what children learn to want most in a culture that literally flashes before them many ways to become comfortable. He suggests that kids learn to turn to one another and their shared understandings and interests instead of to parents and family. He calls that peer group the “second family” and he believes that this “family” today has more power than it has had in any previous generation. He also believes that this “second family” often has more power than the “first family.” “Planet Youth,” which Taffel calls this peer culture— “seems,” he says, “no more than a materialistic, kid-centered universe where instant gratification reigns . . . It isn’t that simple. In fact, teenagers truly do feel supported by their private universe. It is a place where they’re given a kind of understanding and succor that they don’t always find at home.” (Second Family, 11) Much of what Taffel says has some ring of truth for me even if he states his case a little too universally and extremely. My experience with teenagers, as a parent and as a minister do not reflect as big as a gap as Taffel describes between the nuclear family and the “second family” of the peer group. But I do resonate with some of the good things that he says happen among teens when they are together. Peer culture can provides at least in part those things which we have traditionally believed happened that the family, that is the nuclear family, is supposed to provide: sustenance, understanding, communication, ritual, values, clear expectations. Taffel reflects, “Once I became willing to look at and listen to these kids without bias, I was able to see that the second family is not only a black hole of danger but also offers kids a rich, connected world.” (Second Family, 56) He says to us adults: Teens are often NOT who they seem to be. In peer groups they can be honest, open, and vulnerable; there are rituals which they understand and hold onto for constancy; Do unto others attitude governs actions; They are learning to talk with each other and even use the language of feelings. It is with peers that teens often meet their desire to be listened to: phone, fax, and e-mail keep them in touch; the draw of this is so powerful that parents report that our youth sometimes fall asleep with receivers in their ears! Sharon Parks, another developmentalist, also makes the case that sometimes our kids need to be saved from the tyranny of connection. It is hard for them to disconnect yet they also need time and space apart. But, while much of this peer culture can be affirmed, Taffel begs adults not to abandon their kids to it alone. Our kids want and need us adults to claim them, to be interested in who they are becoming and to bring to them first our listening ears, and then also the structure and limits that our adult experience has taught us is important. (“Planet Youth:” Part of Dr. Taffel’s picture of youth . . .) Now I would like to add another voice from the therapeutic community. In his book What it Takes to Pull Me Through, David Marcus describes what he observed in a therapeutic setting of adolescents who had in some way stepped over the line of risky behavior and had been sent to a residential treatment center to try to get re-grounded in healthy ways. There are a few things from his many good observations that I would like to lift up here. With all students at Swift River, the treatment center, there were precipitating reasons why life had spiraled out of control; and before they could be helped, these reasons needed to be identified. Among the group Marcus spent time with, many issues seemed to be in play: psychiatric disorders, drug/alcohol, abuse, racial incidents, and a whole host of other things. It was important to make it known to both youth and parents that these issues were not excuses for behavior, but rather were difficulties that needed to be worked through. One commonality among the youth before coming was to either deny or minimize the issues before them. The therapeutic strategy at Swift River was to “artificially ignite fear and anxiety” so that the teens, with the help of caring and focused adults, could learn new patterns for dealing with stress and pain. What I would lift up out of this is that all kids have a less than perfect life; what is important is that they find safe space in which to work their way through issues. This is surely a basic need for all adolescents.
Raising kids is not a matter of keeping them safe and happy; they need to learn how to live with pain and not run from it. As a society I think we, adults included, are not very good at this—at dealing with pain rather than anaesthetizing ourselves from it. In a way we begin to fear the pain itself and get even further away from facing life’s challenges. Finally, for some other insight, I would like briefly to go back to the article about the lecture at Wootton High School. Many of you may be aware of this “newish” take on adolescent behavior, but I think it is worthy of our notice this morning: “Why do they give us heart attacks?” The article continues: . . . “that risky behavior [of teens], once totally blamed on raging hormones, is due in part to the late development of the frontal lobe, that portion of the brain located behind the forehead. . . The frontal lobe acts as “the brakes” in decision-making, helping teens to weigh consequences and use good judgment.” What is especially disconcerting to many of us parents is that the brain develops in spurts, and in teens the frontal lobe is only fully matured between ages 17 and 20. The lecturer counseled parents not to panic, but “trust in the development of the frontal lobe.” He further explained that teen brains are “inclined to things that are highly stimulating but require little effort—like video-games.” Add to that the trouble teens sometimes have in reading facial expressions. No wonder communication is hard. It was also noted that teen brains are very sensitive to alcohol. They have twice the receptors for alcohol than adults do . . . and its more impairing but less sedating . . . They’re wide-awake and ready to drive.” A parent’s nightmare. There are other interesting brain factors worthy of note. Research shows that teens are very affected by irregular sleep patterns and an inadequate amount of sleep. Teens generally require 1 to 2 more hours of sleep than their elementary school siblings. All very interesting “newish” information about teens that should inform how we adults prepare for their well-being . So, what about Cedar Lane kids? Well, I think they are terrific. Just read their coming-of- age statements (copies in the back of the room), talk with them about something that matters to them, enjoy their many talents, watch them help one another, and watch them take on larger issues. Recently we had one teen here who led a campaign to raise $40,000 to pay for premies to get the hospital care they need. That’s not thinking small nor of oneself! We have kids that go to work camps in needy places. And much more! I observe many kindnesses from our kids.
But there are things to talk about that I think are helpful to keep in mind in relating to any teenagers: I would lift up two major points that have been a beacon for me over many years. First, for me in any educational or counseling or parenting situation, to be of use, I try to remind myself to start out where the people are, not where I want them to be. That goes for adults or children, from babies to elders. The first thing has to be valuing the relationship and showing respect of the other person. The start is being interested in them enough to ask questions about what is important to them and what they think. That sometimes means that I let myself enter the world of another, perhaps even the world of Taffel’s “second family,” even if it is the world of video-games, or music I can’t understand the words of, or whatever. That does not mean that I go into that world without authority and my own opinions about limits, but first I value that person and my relationship and I communicate that by taking time to know some of their world. Gosh, I’ve been impressed lately by a couple of families in which a parent has agreed to take teens to a concert with music that was foreign and dissonant to their adult ears but important to the youth. That can be like glue to a relationship. Teens want us to know them, not to withdraw from them even if their world is off-putting. They want to be seen for whom they are, to be asked about what they think, what they like, what their friends are like—just to know and not to judge. When that kind of relationship is in place, the boundary-setting that teens do sometimes need—and, at some level want from us— is more effective. Remember that statistic from the beginning of this sermon, that youth’s biggest concern was having time with parents and that parents biggest concern was about drugs and alcohol. Well, I suspect that when the teen concern is met —more relaxed and uncritical time with parents, sometimes including their peers, or if not time with parents and other adults in their lives—when that concern is met, the second concern, the concern voiced by parents or other adults, about risky behaviors or other issues, can be significantly reduced. The second thing that I have found helpful to keep in mind is that teens are about a very important developmental task. It is not new news that identity issues are at the core of much work that adolescents must do. Erik Erikson called it the work of “epigenetic recapitulation”—I just like to say it—but what it means is that all the good developmental work a person might have done prior to adolescence (meaning the work around trust, a sense of competence and self-reliance, around guiding values, hope and empathy, and loyalty and belonging), during the various stages of childhood, all these strands that compose one’s inner core being, in adolescence, become unwoven, not disappeared but unwoven, and teens must re-weave it into a familiar yet new identity. Hard developmental work is called for concurrently with sometimes raging hormones and a brain in which the frontal lobe may not yet be fully developed. All of that calls, most certainly, for adult support. The support may come from parents, but often from “additional” adults (in the language of psychology), those other adults apart from parents are needed. Kids are working on new patterns of identity and that means that some of the time they must be apart from the parents that have nurtured their younger patterns of identity. They need to try their own wings a little. However, for them to do that well and safely, they still need trusted adults around them to be interested in what they think and feel and to affirm who they are. And that is where faith groups like Cedar Lane come in! You already know that! If there were ever an aspect of our collective ministry here at Cedar Lane that I would lift up as essential, it is that of providing a community of adults for our teens. When John Daniel and Megan Renner, and the many other adults that take part in this work, take our 7th and 8th graders on trips, have movie nights with them, help them pack food boxes at Manna Food Center, they are providing what some developmentalists would describe as a ‘holding” environment,” a place in life where young adolescents can be safe to try out new patterns of who they are, a place where boundaries are set and clear, but where kids are safe and valued. Our Senior High Youth Coordinator, Glenn Farley and Advisor Laura McWilliams and senior seminar teachers and other adults are also about maintenance of the same kind of holding environment for our older youth. One of my goals for this next year is to find more ways to better support our youth. We lose too many in the jump between 9th and 12th grade. We need to scratch our heads and ask what else can we be doing to keep more of them here. There is a lot of competition for a teenager’s time. We want them to want to be here. Another thing I would like to offer in this year-to-come is the possibility of a support group for parents of teens, where they can come to share strategies and encouragement during the sometimes stressful and confusing time of raising adolescents. The group might deal with the questions I hear all the time: What to do about alcohol and other destructive behaviors aimed at oneself, dangers from chat rooms, the inability to focus, and on and on. It is tough to be a parent these days and it is tough to be a teenager. How can we help everyone survive and possibly even thrive while waiting for that frontal lobe to develop? I hope that all of us at Cedar Lane will re-commit to our own teens. This place is for some and could be for others where, as Angus MacLean once wrote: . . . where young people [can] find their own sovereign sense of being [that is] necessary to taking o the wisdom of humanity. There are times . . . in which we are strong, and there are times . . . in which it is hazardous for us to go it alone . . . [We] need to have support for one another in our low moments and on the other hand, have outlets for strength when we are strong. |
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