Marriage Between Jews and Non-Jews

Roger Fritts

December 8, 1996

Cedar Lane Unitarian Universalist Church

Bethesda, Maryland

PART I: DEALING WITH PARENTS

The percentage of Jews marrying non-Jews in the United States has risen from about 6% in 1960 to more than 60% in the 1990s. This has led to interfaith humor. For example, in an interfaith family, what is the definition of a creche? The sound that a menorah makes when it falls over.

Some parents find interfaith marriage a threat to the stability of their families. Consider a letter written by a mother after learning that her child intended to marry a woman from a different religious background:

Dear Son,

Well, if you want to commit suicide, I guess there is nothing I can do. But I can't tell you how much this business is hurting your father and me. I don't know if you realize that this will hurt us financially. We will probably have to leave town and I will have to give up my job.

Your father is sick over this--you know he hasn't been well. All I can say is that if he dies, I will hold you responsible.

Sincerely,

Your mother⁽¹⁾

This could be a letter by a Catholic upset because her son wants to marry a Jew. Or it could be a letter by a Jewish mother upset because her son wants to marry a Protestant. The letter expresses universal themes. Romeo's mother could have written the letter after she heard of her son's love for Juliet. Or the mother in the play "West Side Story" could have written it to her daughter, Maria. The problem of parents and interfaith marriage is a major theme of literature and drama.

In the play "Fiddler on the Roof," Tevye says to his Jewish daughter who wants to marry a Christian: "As the Good Book says, each shall seek his own kind. Which translated means, 'A bird may love a fish, but where would they build a home together?'"

Surveys suggest that in more than one third of interfaith marriages, there is strong opposition by at least one set of parents. The Bethesda rabbi, Edwin Friedman, who died last October, offered a theory about why this was so. During his career as a rabbi and a therapist, Ed Friedman counseled more than 2,000 interfaith couples. He believed that people who choose interfaith marriage have an especially important role in the family in which they grew up. These children play a stabilizing role within their parents' marriage. They are like a leg in a tripod. They add stability to the family unit.

Rabbi Friedman speculated that for these children, the process of growing up and extricating themselves from the snug and intense emotional ties of their families is a difficult task. He suggested that these children may select a marriage partner with a different religious or ethnic background to help them become more independent from their parents. Interfaith marriage is a way for children to break away from a family that has become too close and intense to allow the children to grow and move freely. Friedman wrote that parents may claim they are angry about the marriage because they are concerned with the preservation of roots and tradition in their families. But he discounted these reasons because most often the parents are not attempting in other parts of their lives to preserve their cultural heritage. They are angry, Friedman suggested, because they have emotional needs that the marriage threatens.

I sent these ideas to twenty-two persons in this congregation to gain their perspective. When I showed Friedman's views to one man who grew up in a Jewish family, he wrote back to me:

Ed Friedman's theory may be valid for many parents, but I think it's too narrow if it suggests that the emotional needs that are threatened by intermarriage always have to do with the internal dynamics of the family. My theory is that the threatened need that arouses such anger and fear is the need to transcend death, the need for symbolic immorality through survival of the tribe with which [the parents] identify. . . . Never underestimate the power of the Holocaust, not to mention any personal experiences of anti-Semitism, to convince 20th-century Jews that the line of safety is the one drawn between Jews and non-Jews.

Another person in our congregation also tied the issue to the Holocaust. He said:

My parents, who were both Jewish immigrants from Poland, were initially very opposed to my sister's Catholic boyfriend. When I was still in college in the 1960s, they strenuously objected to my younger sister's desire to marry a Catholic boy. Their violent reaction stemmed not from any religious differences, any concern about the growth rate of the Jewish population, or concern about the fabric of the family. Mainly, they were paranoid with fear of "goyem" (non-Jews), who had persecuted them in Poland, killed off their family during the Holocaust, and made them feel like second-class citizens even in the U.S.

Whatever the motivations behind parents' anger and fear, I think Rabbi Friedman's advice about how to deal with the issue is excellent. Friedman advised couples who experience hostility from their parents to get distance from the emotional storm whirling around them. He advised the couple to think about their values, to define what they want for themselves clearly, and to develop the strength to hold to that position. He suggested that a couple in an interfaith marriage should keep the lines of communication open with their parents and other relatives. Further the couple should keep reassuring the parents that the couple loves them. Over time, he said, most parents become more accepting.

PART II: DEALING WITH CLERGY

Parents are not the only source of hostility that interfaith couples face. Clergy can also be a problem. Interfaith couples often ask Unitarian Universalist ministers to officiate at their weddings. When I am officiating at such as service, the couples often ask me if I have any advice for them.

Often when people ask me this question, they have also asked it of a rabbi. Many rabbis respond by saying that this relaxed attitude toward interfaith marriage among young Jews is a threat to the long-term survival of the North American Jewish Community. If the number of Jews marrying non-Jews has gone from 6% to 60% in thirty years, what lies in a store for the next generation? Although in one third of the couples the non-Jewish person converts to Judaism, rabbis still fear the decline of their faith. One Jewish leader writes:

It doesn't matter to Christendom whether they lose a few followers. The United States alone has 145 million Christians. But there are only five and a half million Jews here, and fewer than fifty years ago Hitler did away with six million others around the world.

Another Jewish leader put it this way:

If trends continue, America will become one big dull glob of people who won't even know they had a grandmother.

Most rabbis refuse to participate in interfaith marriage services. A woman in our congregation wrote about the rabbi who officiated at her wedding, In a letter to me she said:

He was a very outspoken man. Good sermons, and very interesting, but not in the least did I feel supported in our decision to marry . . .

This behavior is not just found in rabbis. Some Catholic and Protestant clergy believe their religion is the one true religion. They believe they have a duty and a responsibility to convert all the people to Christianity. As a result, priests sometimes refuse to participate in interfaith wedding services, unless the non-Catholic partner signs an agreement stating that the parents will raise the children Catholic. Many conservative Protestant clergy will refuse to marry persons unless they convert.

As many of you are aware, the Unitarian Universalist position on interfaith marriage is different. We teach that all the major world religions have truth and wisdom to offer. We believe that we can learn from different cultures and different ethnic backgrounds. We support the right of individuals to decide whom they will marry. We think that the Jewish and Catholic religions will prosper not by making restrictive rules but by encouraging mutual toleration between religions.

Personally I hope that a wider acceptance of interfaith marriage is a sign of wider respect for Judaism in our country. When I presented this idea to one Jewish acquaintance, he wrote to me:

Your views that interfaith marriage is an indication of respect for Judaism and does not threaten its survival reflect a generous spirit, and I would like to be in a position to agree with them. But they are empirical questions, and I wonder whether there is evidence to support them. Do we know that respect is the factor driving the rising incidence of Jewish-Christian marriages, rather than ignorance of the Jewish tradition and religion and indifference to it?

I took up this challenge and looked for research on the Internet. I wanted to find evidence to support my hope that a wider acceptance of interfaith marriage is a sign of a wider respect for Judaism.

I found a 1994 report, Anti-Semitism in Contemporary America. This study analyzed survey research and concluded that "among the many intergroup conflicts and hatreds that persist in America, anti-Jewish feelings are not predominant; Jews are not the leading targets of hostility and bigotry." This is good news, but I cannot say for certain that an increase in interfaith marriages has led to an increasing acceptance of Jews in the United States.

Nevertheless I continue to have hope that marriage between Jews and non-Jews fosters respect for Judaism in the United States. In my experience when people from different ethnic, cultural and religious backgrounds marry, they are nurturing appreciation for the culture into which they are marrying.

PART III: RAISING CHILDREN

Often the most serious crisis that interfaith couples face is how to raise their children. It has long been the position of priests, ministers and rabbis that children raised in two different faiths will grow up to be spiritually confused and unhappy adults. A book called Mixed Blessings takes this position. The authors are a Jewish husband and a Unitarian wife. The wife converted to Judaism. They write that children raised in two religions or two ethnic traditions grow up feeling rootless and on the fringes of two cultures. They believe that children value clarity and a sense of security. They claim that children want roots in one of their parent's religions with branches that extend to the other parent's heritage. A church member wrote me describing such a family. She said:

We have two wonderful young cousins, products of a Chinese-Jewish marriage; they are Jewish--have had bat and bar mitzvahs; and, as a family they celebrate Chinese holidays, Jewish holidays, and also they participate in Christmas celebrations at their schools. These are two very grounded young people--and it seems to me it's the love and respect I witness in the family that are the underpinnings.

In the book Mixed Blessings, the authors write that trying to raise children in two religions creates a bewildered child. Agreeing with this view one person in the congregation wrote:

Parents need to decide in advance how they're going to raise their kids--as Jews, Christians, Unitarian Universalists, or "nothings"--but you can't have it all, since there are too many irreconcilable conflicts among religions.

In contrast, the book Raising your Jewish/Christian Child, presents a different view. The author, Lee Gurzen, is a Protestant woman who is married to a Jewish man. They have agreed to raise their children in both their Christian and Jewish heritages.

Lee Gurzen sought out and interviewed adults whose parents had raised them in two cultural traditions. Far from being wounded and downtrodden, she found people who were dynamic, intelligent, and successful human beings. She found people who were proud of their mixed birth and the advantages it gave them. Humor, adaptability, and open mindedness were among the many achievements of people raised in both traditions of their parents.

Gurzen suggests that there is no one, right answer about how parents should raise children in an interfaith marriage. Each couple must decide for themselves, at their own pace. She does suggest that raising a child in both traditions is one reasonable option.

One woman in our church who has been married to a Jewish man for thirty-four years wrote:

When our girls reached school age, I began to have to have guilt feelings. Shouldn't we be exposing them to some kind of religious education? . . . I suggested we have a Chanukah celebration. We were already celebrating Christmas.

We decided on an abbreviated one-night event where the girls took turns reading the Chanukah story and lighting all eight candles. After a traditional dinner of brisket and potato latkes, . . . the girls and their invited guests opened a few small gifts and played driedel games. We finished off the evening doing the hora.

Another woman in the congregation wrote:

We have spent the past ten years working on reconciling our two faiths [and] backgrounds (mine Methodist--his Jewish) not only for the holiday season but for year round. Three years ago, after having our first child we decided that Cedar Lane was going to be the place where we could best worship and grow as a family. However, all of the traditions and customs that go along with Christianity and Judaism were very much a part of who we were as individuals and of who we wanted to be as a family. December is now a very joyous, but hectic month in our household as we fully celebrate Hanukkah and Christmas. Most years there is at least a week separating the two holidays so gatherings with grandparents, candle lightings, storytelling, and baking for each can have its own special time. There have been years when we have lit the menorah prior to going to Christmas Eve service to celebrate Jesus' birth. Our one"combination" each year is the stained glass Star of David we purchased the first year we were married that adorns the top of our Christmas tree and the tiny dreidles that you can find hanging among the collection of Christmas ornaments. Our message to each other, to our children, and to anyone else who asks is that there are many paths to God and to goodness.

In my own experience I have noticed that parents who try to preserve marital harmony by ignoring their religious differences transmit the conflicts they are suppressing to their children. Parents who are ambivalent about their cultural heritage pass on their ambivalence to their children. The way we handle differences about religion and culture teaches children how to treat people throughout their lives. A spirit of compromise, patience, and sensitivity to others goes a long way toward preparing children to approach the world with the same openness and sensitivity. Couples, who work out creative ways of negotiation about religion, teach their children by example to negotiate creatively. In contrast, when children see differences denied or reconciled because of one parent's bullying and another's abandoning his or her identity, the child learns a different model for dealing with life.

Interfaith couples need our support. They are involved in a great adventure, enriching their lives with two different cultures. With creativity and imagination they prove Tevye wrong. People from different religious and cultural backgrounds can both love each other and make a home together.

Sources:

Cowan, Paul, with Cowan, Rachel, Mixed Blessings: Marriage between Jews and Christians, New York, Doubleday, 1987.

Gruzen, Lee, Raising Your Jewish Christian Child: Wise Choices for Interfaith Parents, New York, Dodd, Mead & Company, 1987.

Mayer, Egon, Love and Tradition: Marriage Between Jews and Christians, New York, Schocken Books, 1985.

Friedman, Edwin, "The Myth of the Shiksa," in Ethnicity and Family Therapy, Eds. McGoldrick, Pearce, and Giordano, New York, The Guilford Press, 1982, pp. 499-526. Also, I took ideas from personal conversations with Ed Friedman over the past year.

1. Adapted from a letter in "The Myth of the Shiksa," by Ed Friedman, in Ethnicity & Family Therapy, The Guilford Press, 1982.

Cedar Lane Unitarian Universalist Church
9601 Cedar Lane, Bethesda, Maryland 20814-4099
Tel: 301-493-8300    Fax: 301-897-5713
e-mail: office@CedarLane.org
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