"Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of life's longing for itself." I was riveted when I first heard these words by Kahlil Gibran years ago. I think the key spiritual concept here is that parents do not own their children. In fact, no one owns anyone else. Gibran is describing an ideal of love without ego attachment. The words echo for me now as I delve into the subject of adoption, which I have been doing for today's service as well as for myself. My husband and I are planning to adopt a child. I have been asking such questions as, To whom does a child belong? Who are the "real" parents? Are the negative portrayals of adoption in the media true or distorted? What are the consequences for the three parties in each adoption: birth parents, adoptive parents and adoptee? Fifteen people have responded to my request for personal stories. This is a very complex subject, and I can only begin to outline it in a twenty minute sermon. But I can affirm wholeheartedly the power of love at work in the process.

The book Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self was written in the early 90's by two professors, David Brodzinsky and Marshall Schechter, along with a medical writer, Robin M. Henig. These few sentences from the introduction of the book give us an overview of the psychology of being adopted. (Page 9)

The authors go on to say that between ages six and eighteen, adopted children have a somewhat higher risk of low self-esteem and acting out behaviors. They conclude that "the increased vulnerability of adoptees to (some) psychological problems can be explained largely by their experience of loss."

From other readings and observations I have made, I believe that there are often special challenges involved in interracial adoptions. Adoptions from birth tend to have lower risks in some ways than adoption of older children, especially if the older children have suffered trauma or abuse. Lack of bonding and stimulation in understaffed foreign orphanages have resulted in many cases of serious developmental delays and ongoing problems. Nonetheless, children are remarkably resilient and the 85% overall success rate of adoption is far higher than the sensational media would have us believe. It is naive to believe that love can overcome anything. Being realistic and well informed from the outset can allow love to conquer all that can be conquered. Raising children is full of risks, whether or not they are adopted.

I wanted to begin with a quote from the experts, citing positive research results because the media seem to present a more negative view of adoption. From here on, I will be drawing on personal stories. Personal stories give one kind of picture, but are not reliable as data, compared to systematic research. Nonetheless, the stories I have heard reflect the same ratio of success. All but one of the personal stories I heard were positive. I have known of difficult adoption situations in our congregation over the years, but a significant majority of experiences seem to be positive among us as well.

As I spoke with people, I asked them to tell me what was the most important point they would like me to make, and I will be emphasizing those. Some wished to be anonymous, others were comfortable being identified. I heard from two adoptees, one daughter of an adoptee, an aunt of adopted children, a foster mother, nine adoptive mothers and one birth mother.

I was delighted when Becky Waxler called to talk with me about her experience of being adopted from Korea in 1972. I knew Becky as a teenager here at Cedar Lane, and I know those were rough years for her. She described how hard it was looking like an Asian person, but feeling like she was a Caucasian person. When she was adopted, adoption from Asia wasn't so common, and she knew very few interracially adopted kids while she was growing up. She recalls painful struggles with identity, something all teens have to deal with anyway. Her Korean past is a complete mystery. She went through a period of being desperate to feel that she was related to someone biologically. Still, she is profoundly grateful that she was adopted. The strongly stated message she wanted me to relay to you was that "your real parents are the ones who love you and raise you." She urges people not to refer to birth parents as "real" parents. Real parents are the ones who are able to provide commitment and love. She is very aware of how many more advantages and opportunities she has had being raised here, and that her life is much better than it would have been. She has considered traveling to Asia with a cultural tour sponsored by her adoption agency for Asian adoptees, and is not sure when she will be ready to try that. I was really touched to talk with Becky and find her so well and happy. I also received a nice letter from her mom, Carolyn, describing how Becky brought the family to Cedar Lane.

Nancy Melvin, daughter of Wanda Van Goor, was also adopted. She has recently been "found" by her birth mother, and this has been a mixed experience for her. When Nancy's first child was born, she had wanted to make contact with her birth mother, primarily to obtain medical history, and sent a letter to the agency that had arranged the adoption. Nothing more happened at that time. Now the birth mother has made contact, a reunion has taken place, and the mother is more eager than Nancy is to get better acquainted. A little contact may be enough. Nancy's clear message to you this morning is that adoption is an opportunity for children to have a better life.

Nancy's story reminded me of a subplot on my favorite TV show, the British soap opera, Eastenders. One of the characters, Sharon, was adopted in infancy and decides to find her birth mother. She is searching for her identity. In typical soap opera fashion, they drag the drama out forever, but finally, Sharon is on the doorstep of a suburban brick house and rings the doorbell. She finds a woman, Carol, who is glad to see her, but who after several visits, begins to be rather needy and dependent. In the end, Sharon decides knowing Carol really isn't worth the trouble. Her curiosity has been satisfied and she can achieve closure about the sense of loss she had carried.

If I were adopted, I feel quite certain that I would search for my birth parents. I am the kind of person who is fascinated by family history as it is. I would search out of a need for information, not a need for more parents. If friendship can result, fine. If not, that's OK, too. As a future adoptive parent, I would support my child's desire to search.

Adoption is as ancient as human families. The process of secret adoption and sealed records is actually a fairly recent development along with the rise of social service and welfare systems in the last century. Blended and adoptive families are not new. However, they used to be created more by death than by divorce. Someone told me recently that (nineteenth-century transcendentalist) Margaret Fuller and her siblings were wards of an uncle after their father's death, and one brother was adopted by a family known to the uncle. Orphans were often placed as indentured servants or farmed out as laborers. Abraham Lincoln was raised by a stepmother. I conclude that the "traditional nuclear family" is a recent development and mostly a fiction. Step parenting, adoption and blended families have been around since the beginning of time. Humans have spent many more centuries in extensive kinship systems than in tiny nuclear families.

I had a long talk with a mother about her experience adopting a daughter from India. She describes the wait as being pregnant for eighteen months. Adoption, she says, has its own kind of labor, and is a labor of love. There is so much red tape and so much waiting. She and her husband had two biological sons, but she had always wanted to adopt because there are so many children in the world who need loving homes. She and her husband went through Mother Teresa's agency and the daughter is now a teenager. She was orphaned in India after a train accident in which she lost part of one leg. As in many cultures, disabilities such as this are considered unacceptable. In a loving home, and an accepting culture, this girl has done very well. She rides horses, is a published writer and leads an active life.

Two other adoptive parents talked with me about managing the wait for a referral. It can take a very long time to accomplish an adoption, depending on many factors. One adoptive mother urges people not to make insensitive remarks such as "Do you know what you're getting into?" as if there were not risks in any kind of child rearing. Cindy Duranko described her excruciating wait for Jenna to come from India and the seemingly endless delays. At one penultimate moment, her contact person promised that the baby would come soon. "Are you sure?," Cindy asked. "I am 100% hopeful" was the reply. She comments that people who undertake an adoption process are usually ready for the baby when they begin. Waiting is hard and usually its duration is uncertain, not the usual nine months. Everyone in the adoption process needs sensitive support: adoptees, adoptive parents and birth parents.

Linda Sampson talked with me about hers and her husband's experience of adopting their twin sons. Theirs is an open adoption. Open adoption is a new phenomenon which involves some degree of contact between adoptive and birth families after the adoption is finalized. It can be a way to circumvent the some of the loss experienced by adoptees that I referred to earlier. The Sampsons all visit the boys' birth mother and extended family in another state about once a year. It seems to go well for everyone. The boys know their birth mother as "Tina," and contact is relaxed and casual. Linda notes that this is especially helpful for the extended birth family. The Sampsons have also adopted a daughter and have somewhat less contact with her birth mother. I am grateful to Linda for this perspective and also for referring me to a birth mother who was willing to talk with me. I am not too surprised that I did not hear spontaneously from any birth mothers. There is an understandable desire to leave the past in the past.

Unfortunately, there is still negative stigma about making an adoption plan for an unintended pregnancy. In the past, this stigma had more to do with being pregnant out of wedlock and illegitimacy. Today, pregnant teenagers are not usually encouraged to consider making an adoption plan. The availability of abortion and the popularity of "keeping the baby" allow those options to prevail. There does seem to be a general attitude that giving up a baby for adoption is negative, as if it were a cruel thing to do, when in fact it is, like abortion, a very difficult choice which may be the best one for a particular person. The birth mother who spoke with me provided me with an anonymous article she once wrote, from which I would like to read to you. It is titled, "What Kind of Person Could Give Up a Child?"

The woman goes on to tell the story of her marriage and subsequent infertility. She and her husband then became adoptive parents of two children, so she has experienced adoption from two sides of the "triad." She concludes with this sentence: "The next time you hear someone ask 'What kind of person could give up a child?,' remember that it was probably a person who made the most difficult decision of her life to provide the best home and life for her baby... No child should have to wait for her parents to grow up."

The main message of this birth mother is to assert that choosing to make an adoption plan for your baby is a courageous choice. It is the best choice for the child and it does not get enough support today. Birth mothers come from all walks of life. They have made a very difficult choice and deserve support and appreciation for it.

"Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of life's longing for itself." What matters is that children are raised by mature loving parents. Too many children do not have this opportunity in life. Today, we are seeing a reversal of the trend to keep biological families together at all costs. Congress and President Clinton are taking steps to make adoption of children in foster care easier. We are learning that biological ties are not necessarily the most important ties, but that love and commitment are what make us real, like in the children's story, The Velveteen Rabbit. In that story, we learn that we become real when we have been loved so well and long that our velvet pelt has simply worn away.

Christmas is coming. I love Christmas. As I brought our little Christmas tree into the house yesterday, I stopped in the kitchen, hugging it, thanking God for this symbol of freshness and life. I do not really believe Christmas is a Christian holiday. It predates Christianity. But Christianity gave the winter solstice a wonderful symbol: the symbol of a baby. In the story, we have an unwed mother and an adoptive father. We have a divine child. What a marvelous story. We also have shepherds and kings, searching for a child, like adoptive parents. People are flocking to see this newborn child, this future leader of the heart and soul. This is marvelous symbolism, reflecting the eternal truth of our own hearts. The divine child dwells in each of us. May we believe in the divine spark of each child, may we support all those who love and care for children, who seek to save and raise special children. And let us celebrate Christmas with childlike joy in our hearts.

Amen.

Cedar Lane Unitarian Universalist Church
9601 Cedar Lane, Bethesda, Maryland 20814-4099
Tel: 301-493-8300    Fax: 301-897-5713
e-mail: office@CedarLane.org
Sunday Services at 9 and 11 a.m.
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