Lying

I told her that I had been a disc jockey for a radio station at the Junior College where I was taking classes. In truth, I had never been anywhere near the college radio station and I knew absolutely nothing about being a disc jockey. I told her that I had hitchhiked to San Francisco the summer before and lived with hippies in the Haight-Ashbury District. In truth I had never been anywhere near San Francisco. It was all a lie, told to impress. To my surprise, at the end of the evening she gave me her phone number and asked me to call her. A week later I took her to the movies. After that first time together, I resolved not to make up any new lies about myself. However, I was already in trouble.

I had difficulty remembering what I had said at the party, and I began to fear that I would say something now that would be inconsistent with the lie I had already told. I began to fear that when we went to the movies I would run into someone who knew me. They would know I had never been a radio disc jockey or to San Francisco, and would spill the beans. I began to fear that she would ask me questions that, based on my lies, I should be able to answer. A question like: "Where on the campus of the Junior College is the radio station?" I had no idea. My deception began to preoccupy me to the point that I lived with a constant anxiety that affected my ability to function.

I liked this young woman, but after a few weeks I decided to end the relationship. I could not continue the deception about who I was and I could not face the embarrassment and shame in telling her how I had lied to her. I could not even end the relationship in a straightforward way. I stopped calling her, I did not return her calls and I was distant when she did reach me. After a few days she gave up and stopped calling. By my deception I had ruined what was a promising relationship.

At least, I thought, she lives across town and I will never see her again and never be reminded of my foolishness. I ran into her a few months later at Arizona State University and discovered we were attending the same school. She was dating someone else when I saw her, but she was still friendly to me. We would see each other every three or four months over the next several years as we walked to and from class and we might stop and chat briefly. Each time seeing her reminded me of the lies I had told about myself the first time we had met. Each time I felt shame. I know a mature person would have told her what he had done. However, I was not mature.

In the first experience on the playground I learned that when I try to deceive, I am likely to get caught. In the second experience I learned that even when I do not get caught, I feel so bad about the deception, the lying ruins any prospect for a healthy long-term relationship.

I have been talking about myself here, but perhaps these stories remind you of events in your own moral development. Most of us learn through experience that the long term price we pay for deception is not worth the short term gain. I suspect we each have in our memories, moments when as children we tried to get what we wanted by deception and discovered that telling the truth was better. In my own life, because of these two experiences, I vowed to make every effort to be honest.

However, as I grow older, I have found that I can not say that lying is always wrong. I can not apply the rule "thou will not lie" to all people, everywhere, in all situations.

Consider this example. Bob Anders is the former husband of my wife's sister. Bob lives in London now and he is retired, but for many years he worked for the State Department. Back in November of 1980 he was stationed in the United States Embassy in Tehran. As you recall, Islamic students took over the Embassy. They held the America staff at the Embassy prisoners. Bob Anders happened to be in another building and was able to escape with five others to the house of a friend who was on the staff of the Canadian Embassy. They lived in the Canadian ambassador's home for three months until they could leave the country, walking through customs with Canadian passports.

In this situation lies were told, not only by Bob and the other Americans, but also by State Department officials, by President Jimmy Carter, and by Canadian officials.

Most people in the United States agree that elected officials can lie to protect hostages. One researcher called these "patriotic lies." Their purpose is to protect our nation, our community or our family. Such lies are especially acceptable when they are done to help others, instead of ourselves. Lying to a guard about a loaf of bread under our coat is acceptable, if we have no other means for getting food for our children. Truth telling becomes subordinate to the greater duty of caring for our family. American attitudes about strict honesty can be puzzling to people with personal or family memories of countries under alien occupation or communist rule, where lying to dodge the oppressor was one of the first things parents taught their children.(1)

Roman Catholic moral theologians call lying to protect oneself or others the principle of overriding right. The principle of overriding right recognizes that sometimes a more important principle than truth-telling is at stake, such as the need to protect human life.

As I said, I am not a moral absolutist when it comes to lies. With the Roman Catholic moral theologians, I believe in the principle of overriding right. I believe that there are times when a more important principle than truth-telling is at stake, such as the need to protect human life. At such times a lie is justified.

There is a second widely accepted form of lying. In the Jewish tradition there is little tolerance for lying. It is always forbidden in a judicial proceeding. However, some rabbis believe that the Bible may allow "white lying." They cite a passage in Chapter 18 of the Book of Genesis where God fails to mention to Abraham an unflattering comment about Abraham made to God by Abraham's wife. From this passage rabbis deduce that some white lies may be acceptable in preserving family harmony. Many in our society agree.(2)

How often do we tell these white lies? A small study done at the University of Virginia asked 140 people to kept diaries of the lies they told. The study found that these 140 people recorded in their diaries an average one or two white lies a day. They told these lies to spare themselves embarrassment or to make themselves look better to others.

With the Jewish moral philosophers, I believe that small white lies are sometimes appropriate, when we mean them to spare embarrassment and maintain family harmony. Put another way, I believe that love may temper honesty.

However, I also believe that for people living in America at the end of the twentieth-century situations where lying is justified are very rare. Most of us are never confronted with a situation where we must lie to protect human life. And, I believe that most of us can get through most days without telling white lies. If the study I referred to is correct and the average person tells one or two white lies a day, that, I think, is too much lying.

One of my goals is be a healthy person, physically, emotional, spiritually for as long as I can, given the limits of life. I also wish to raise my children to be healthy people. And I want to live in a community that is healthy. To put it in popular jargon, I want to live in a functional community not a dysfunctional one. Given these goals, all my experience has led me to conclude that lying is almost always a mistake. To be a religious person, to be a spiritual person, to be a good parent and a good minister, I have found it essential that I strive for candor and honesty in my relations with others. This means I try to tell the truth, even when I know that sometimes what I say may not be popular. It also means that before I do anything, I ask myself the question: If what I am about to do were to become public could I talk about it truthfully with my family and my friends and my congregation without feeling ashamed? If the answer is no, I do not do it.

This week my youngest child, my eight year old daughter started third grade at Rock Creek Forest Elementary School. I have entrusted her with adults whom I assume will not lie to her and who will teacher her, as I have taught her, not to lie. I assume that she will test these rules just as I did when I was her age. I hope she will get caught, just as I did, and that she will face the consequences of her actions. I hope she will learn early on that it is best to strive to tell the truth.

At this time reaffirming our commitment to honesty and truthfulness in human relations is important. It is not acceptable to say "everyone lies, so what is the big deal." I do not believe that everyone lies and I do think that lying is a significant transgression. I do not wish our society to become more cynical and I do not wish my children to grow up believing that lying is not important. If we do not reaffirm the importance of honesty, the result will be a decline in trust between people and their leaders, and people will be hurt.

Why are we tempted to use lying as a way to feel important? People are tempted to lie because one or both of their parents or their teachers, or their minister or another adult role model, lied and gave them lying as a model for getting their needs met. For the future health of this society and this religious community we must to teach our children that honesty tempered by love, is the best way to live, and we must live out these values in our own lives.

T.S. Eliot wrote:

May each of us find ways to feel important in this world, without lying to ourselves or others in the process.