Overcoming Shyness

I am a shy person. Not all the time, but often, I tend to be reflective, thoughtful, and reserved. I carefully think things out before reaching decisions. I am seldom impulsive. In stressful situations, I often slow down and think carefully before I speak or act.

I am not unique in this. Myers-Briggs tests show that about 40 percent of all clergy are introverted or shy. When researchers ask Americans about shyness about 40 percent of us say we consider ourselves shy at the present time. About 25 percent of those interviewed say they have been shy all of their lives. And 4 percent of those interviewed report that they are shy all of the time, in all situations.

Some shyness may be programmed into our genetic make-up. Researchers who study children report that 10 to 20 percent of all one-year-old children are shy, timid and restrained when encountering unfamiliar people, objects, or situations. By contrast, uninhibited children, who account for about 30 percent of all children, are sociable, fearless, and emotionally spontaneous in unfamiliar situations. Shy children show larger increases in their heart rates in response to challenges than outgoing children. In addition, shy children show greater activation of the frontal cortex on the right side of the brain, while uninhibited children show greater activation of the frontal cortex on the left side.

When I was a child no one tested my heart rate or my frontal cortex. Nevertheless, I suspect that my heart rate did increase when I encountered unfamiliar people. For example, as a young child I found it scary to answer the phone. The phone would ring, my heart rate would increase, the activity in the frontal cortex of the right side of my brain would increase. Eventually I got over this shyness about answering the phone, but it took me much longer to become comfortable with this technology than it takes most children.

However, it would be inaccurate to say that as a child I was shy in all new situations. I was not shy at church. The Unitarian Universalist church that I grew up in was so supportive and affirming of me that most of the time in that environment I felt relaxed and comfortable. As a result, in the religious education program at the church, I was outgoing, active, even at times aggressive. Years later in a Unitarian Universalist publication the Minister and the Religious Education Director of the church I grew up in described me as "one of those kids that drove the Sunday school teachers stark raving mad." Personally I think this description is an overstatement, but it does confirm my memory that I was not shy when I was at church.

As I grew into adulthood, one situation did develop that caused me to break out of my shyness in a dramatic way. I became convinced that the Vietnam War was an enormous mistake and a tragic waste of the lives of America's young people. I felt this so strongly that I was able to overcome my shyness. I joined with others to speak out against the Vietnam War. I wrote letters and I participated in some of the many demonstrations against the war. I passed out leaflets at the induction center, giving young men information about draft counseling. I kept my hair short and I dressed in conservative clothing; I went to political rallies, and I stationed myself along fences where I thought it was likely that politicians would walk by and shake hands. In this way I directly expressed my opposition to the war to Vice President Hubert Humphrey, to Vice President Spero Agnew, and President Richard Nixon. Considering that I had been afraid to answer the phone just ten years before, this was a big step for me.

I found support from my opposition to the war in the Unitarian Universalist Church. Partly because of this, I decided to become a minister. I also became a minister because I wanted to give to other people the acceptance that I had been given growing up in a Unitarian Universalist Church. I wanted to help sustain communities where shy people could feel at home. Because I valued both social action and community, I was attracted to the ministry. Also, the scholarship that is necessary to produce an effective sermon appealed to me. As a shy person, sermon preparation is easy for me. I enjoy the time alone doing research and writing. I enjoy carefully polishing my words and rehearsing what I am going to say. Although I do not always have as much time as I would like to prepare, I enjoy spending time reflecting and reworking my words until they are just right.

Many other possible careers did not appeal to me because I was shy. For example, I did not think that I would make an effect salesperson. Given my shyness, I did not think I could be effective selling houses, or insurance, or cars.

So I was somewhat surprised when I realized after a few months of serving my first congregation that there were many similarities between being an effective salesperson and being an effective minister. I discovered that if I wanted the church to be friendly and accepting, as it was for me when I was growing up, my responsibility as the minister was to greet people in friendly and accepting ways. I learned to be comfortable in unstructured groups of people. I learned to be comfortable in meetings. I learned to visit people in the hospital. I learned to work with other clergy in the community. Just as I was willing to overcome my shyness when I was convinced of the need to end the Vietnam war, I was willing to overcome my shyness because I believed deeply in the Unitarian Universalist Church.

I discovered, however, that just as individuals can be shy, groups of individuals can also be shy and reserved. I found that many Unitarian Universalist Congregations have shy personalities. There are several reasons:

• One source of our reserve and shyness is our past experiences of people trying to push their religion down our throats. Most of us have had unpleasant experiences with acquaintances or strangers aggressively trying to get us to join their religion. Following the rule that we should treat others the way we want to be treated, we tend to avoid telling others about our religion, unless they ask us directly. If shy individuals are uncomfortable in the presence of aggressive extroverts, reserved religious communities are distressed by domineering evangelical religions.



• Another source of our shyness is our fear that if we tell people about our church and they come and join, we might lose what we have. For example, with our nine hundred adult members, it is hard enough to maintain a community of respect and caring right now. Our church is already so big it is difficult to maintain communication and relationships. Our church is already so big that parents do not always get their first choice when it comes to religious education classes for our children. Members worry that, if we grow, it will be hard to find a parking space. I saw this anxiety about new people most clearly when I served a 300 member church in Massachusetts. I suggest the church put up a new sign to make it easier to find. A member of the congregation responded by saying to me "Everyone who needs to know where this church is, already knows where it is." Shy people fear that meeting new people will add stress to their lives. Shy congregations worry that new members will add stress to their community.



• Another source of our shyness is our lack of a clear identity. Most religions have credos and scripture describing God, the meaning of life and what happens when we die. Unitarian Universalists are free to believe whatever their reason and experience tells them about these great religious issues. Not having a creed that gives answers to these big religious issues can leave us feeling a bit insecure about our identity. When we are insecure, we can be less forceful, less aggressive about proclaiming our religion. Shy individuals realize they don't have all the answers and therefore

they are reluctant to speak out. Unitarian Universalists are aware that we don't have all the answers. This can make us reluctant to speak up.

• Still another source of our shyness is our cultural tradition. In the 19^th century Universalists worked hard to promote their belief in universal salvation, their belief that everyone will go to heaven when they died. However, Unitarians have a long tradition of not promoting their religion. In the 19^th century the first ministers and lay people, particularly those in or near Boston, believed it was in bad taste to try to sell their religion to others. For our entire history there has been a taboo with regard to advertising. The theory is that if the religion is good enough, people will join. It is not necessary to try to sell a good religion with coarse methods such as advertising.

All of us have heard the saying. "If a man can build a better mousetrap, the world will beat a path to his door." This statement is ascribed to the Unitarian minister Ralph Waldo Emerson. A woman named Sarah Yule said that she heard Emerson say this in a lecture he gave in 1871. Seldom, however, do we hear the full quote. According to Sarah Yule, Emerson actually said:

If a man can write a better book, preach a better sermon, or make a better mousetrap than his neighbor, though he build his house in the woods, the world will make a beaten path to his door.

The phrase "preach a better sermon," refers to the 19^th century Unitarian belief that, if a minister's sermons are good enough, people will beat a path to the door of that minister's church. Through word of mouth communication, people will hear about the minister's sermons. Advertising is necessary only when the sermons are not good enough. This, of course, puts a lot of pressure on your shy Senior Minister. I suspect that shy individuals have inherited a genetic

tendency toward shyness. In the same way that Unitarian congregations have inherited a cultural tradition of shyness when it comes to promoting our religion.

These then are some of the reasons we are not aggressive about letting other people know of our existence:

• We do not wish to push our religion down anyone's throat.



• We do not want to risk losing the community we have in this special place.



• We are insecure about our identity because we have no creed.



• We have a long tradition of shunning advertising and trusting that, if we do our work well, through word of mouth people will hear about us and beat a path to our door.

Personally I do not find these reasons convincing. Just as I felt so strongly about the Vietnam War and was able to overcome my shyness, I feel so strongly about Unitarian Universalism that I can overcome my shyness to let others know of our existence.

More than half the people of the United States do not currently attend a religious service on a regular basis. There are many lonely people who could benefit from being part of our church community:

• Outside these walls are parents who struggle alone to answer their children's questions about morality, and sexuality, and death. They would greatly benefit from being part of our church community.



• Outside these walls are retired persons who felt they never had time for church before they retired, but who now would find this a meaningful community to join.



• Outside these walls are gay couples who would find this community to be welcoming and supportive. Beyond the borders of our land are single people of all kinds who could benefit from what we have to offer. Out there are people of different ethnic and racial backgrounds who would feel at home with the liberal religion of this church.

We have an obligation as members of the human family to share our wealth by feeding the hungry and sheltering the homeless. I believe we also have an obligation to share our church community with people who are hungry for the liberal religion we offer. Letting other people know that we exist, and making room for new people in this church is, I believe, an act of love. Just as someone in the past helped us find this church or welcomed us into this church when we found it on our own, we have an obligation, as members of the human family to let others know about our community and to make room for them if they choose to join us.

In the past several years we have taken three steps to let others know of our existence and to make room for them in our church:

• Volunteers in this congregation have created an outstanding web page where people can read our newsletter, our sermons and much more about our church. Many of our visitors first learned about our church by reading our web page.



• We created a new sign that gives the time of our services and states clearly that visitors are welcome. A good church sign is the most cost effective form of advertising.



• The Member Services Committee has taken a small space near our lounge and turned it into a Visitor Center. As a result we have seen a significant increase in the number of persons joining our church.

Of course, there is always more that we can do. We could explore paid advertising in the Montgomery County Gazette. We could invest in direct mail advertising, which in the past has proved cost effective for churches. We could look at the cost of ads on the county cable system. Some churches have found that effective.

The newest approach to church advertising was discussed in last week's Washington Post. The religion section carried a story about churches all over the United States who are leasing space in their steeples to companies like Bell Atlantic Mobile, AT&T Wireless Services, Cellular One, Sprint OCS and Nextel. I have heard that the Unitarian Universalist church in Chattanooga is leasing space to a cellular phone company. According to the Post, A Nazarene church in Detroit is letting AT&T build a steeple with a cross on the top that will be visible from a nearby interstate. We could explore this. If we had a steeple that could be seen from the Beltway, we would let many more people know that we exist.

However, as a shy person, I realize how disturbing such an idea may be. By becoming visible some people would feel that we were trying to push our religion down other peoples throats. If our church were to become visible, we would risk losing the community we have in this special place. Also, given that we don't have a creed, wouldn't most people be looking for more certainty than we have to offer? And, I can imagine Emerson's look of disapproval. He might call it Fritts' Folly.

So it is probably not a good idea to draw attention to our church . . . except I can imagine what might happen if we overcome our shyness and build a beautiful steeple.

Perhaps a recently retired professor driving down the Beltway might see our tower and stop for a visit. She might love this church so much that she would become active in teaching adult education classes as a volunteer.

Perhaps a man who had just gone through a divorce might see our steeple and stop for a visit. He might feel so welcome in this church that he offers to help usher on Sunday mornings.

Perhaps a couple with children would see the steeple and drop by this church. They might find here the best sex education their children could possibly receive.

Perhaps one of the children of this couple is so painfully shy that he does not even like to answer the telephone. And perhaps that child will find that in this church he feels accepted and at home, in spite of his shyness.

If these things were to happen, because of a tower or a newspaper ad or a direct mail letter advertising our church, I would feel that I had done my part to share with others what I have received in such abundance by being a part of this congregation.

Cedar Lane Unitarian Universalist Church
9601 Cedar Lane, Bethesda, Maryland 20814-4099
Tel: 301-493-8300    Fax: 301-897-5713
e-mail: office@CedarLane.org
Sunday Services at 10 a.m.
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